You are pathetic

Chris Kurker-Stewart

Last Thursday, as I wading through the 300 other students who absolutely have to eat at the same time as me, I happened to see my roommate in the cafeteria. As we passed each other, we traded the traditional insults and went on our way. Since he is a member of a fraternity, I opined that his organization “sucks,” and he responded in kind.

Not a minute after this exchange took place, a young man with a backwards baseball cap and enormous ski parka came right up to me.

“I could’ve sworn you said [fraternity] sucks,” he said, stepping in front of me and demanding a response. Regrettably, sarcasm has a few too many letters for Overbuilt Eminem’s disappointing vocabulary to get a handle on.

He clearly wanted to get into a physical altercation. How’s that for forethought? C’mon, people. Let’s at least make a little effort to fight fraternity stereotypes once in a while. I am not going to fight you because I said something you didn’t like. In fact, since I am not 12 years old, nor on a playground, I am not going to fight anyone over anything. I guess at 22 I am a bit beyond that. Apparently I’m also in the minority.

The rush to defend the brotherhood by such a woefully inept and awkwardly-clad pseudo-student is truly inspiring. I had not thought it possible that someone whose list of life goals clearly includes “ball it up” and whose phone number probably starts with 6-3-1 would jeopardize weight-lifting time to get involved with anything.

The sort of meathead culture that a staggering number of people on this campus subscribe to is both laughable and tiresome. For a while, it is amusing to watch little herds lumbering back and forth to the gym, or tearing down Dorm Road in their Civics with tints, tips, and Euro taillights. But the whole “wow, that kid must be hardcore” effect wears off after you’ve been here a couple weeks. Now, it’s just dull. It is only possible to go to a bar so many times and overhear the same trite story of “Yo, I was so hammered that I almost missed Sportscenter on the gym TV…” Is it possible for college to lower someone’s level of sophistication?

Maybe all these overdone self-centered primates will stop taking themselves so seriously when they finally graduate and realize that there is a bit more to life than Sidestreet, “The Rundown” and going tanning. Of course, there are ways of putting off the real world indefinitely for the embarrassingly unqualified: Abercrombie & Fitch is always accepting applications.

But I don’t care. I don’t care that so many of these gorillas don’t have the first clue what is going on anywhere outside of their 200-acre world. I am content to explain on a regular basis, speaking slowly and using small words, what facetious means. I suppose I should praise the ragtag bunch that has gotten involved, instead of mocking them as I have done for the past three and a half years. I should support them now, because I certainly won’t be hiring them later.

I’d really rather mock them though. Should anyone feel the need, send your comments, retorts and poorly-worded death threats to Box 10. You might get your name in the paper.

In an unrelated story, George W. Bush is a horrible president.