Society is way too nice now. Let’s bring back bullying.
First, let’s run it back to my good ole’ middle school days, where I was quite literally a freak and was told that to my face pretty much every day. How else would I have learned resilience without someone roasting my side-part, duck lip selfies that I posted on Instagram in an attempt to look hot?
I really believed I was one filtered selfie away from Pinterest fame. Delusion was at an all-time high — I miss that level of confidence. I had no business posting anything I posted, yet I was fully committed to the aesthetic.
After that, the only heat I experienced was that of my bullies. Nothing builds emotional endurance quite like getting the photos of YouTubers Lance Stewart and Jake Paul ripped out of my locker and rumors of me hugging the weirdest kid in the grade outside by the busses after school.
To this day, I’m still not entirely sure how rumors traveled that fast in middle school, but at the time, gossip spread faster than mono and had absolutely zero journalistic integrity.
Kids these days are encouraged to be kind and accepting of everyone, to stay quiet if they have nothing nice to say. As a parent, I would never enforce that behavior. I’ll probably roast my kids left and right because if they’re anything like me, God knows they’ll need it. They’ll thank me later. Family dinners will double as roast sessions. It’s a bonding experience.
If anything, middle school bullying prepared me for adulthood more than any life skills class ever could. Honestly, we could formalize bullying. Bring back a class period designated for constructive criticism where students can humble each other in a controlled, supervised environment. Participation points will be awarded for creativity and emotional damage.
You can’t expect kids to grow if they’re not being publicly humbled at least once before lunch. We could have the lunch aides walk around with clipboards to ensure everyone is receiving equal opportunity criticism. Of course, we wouldn’t want anyone missing out on this peak developmental experience, would we?
In my eyes, this saves parents a lot of time. There’s no need for long conversations about the “you’re perfect the way you are” crap. All that stuff will be handled at school, where most valuable learning happens anyway.
After school, you ask your kid what they learned. And they’ll respond, “apparently my aggressive side part isn’t working out for me.” Honestly, that’s constructive feedback. It’s growth.
At this point, I don’t even need bullies anymore. I can roast myself before anyone gets the chance, which is the ultimate form of independence. My LinkedIn should include “emotionally resilient due to my seventh grade experience.”
It might be my most marketable skill. Forget leadership, I became great at surviving unnecessary commentary from people — and even better at giving it.
To be honest, I think I turned out great. I’m hilarious and anyone will tell you that. I give my thanks to my middle school bullies — I truly hate you and wish you the worst — watching you peak in high school, then get fat in college is my Roman Empire.
