I love spring in college. Everyone comes out of hibernation, the air feels lighter and we can all put the winter coats away. But then, the epidemic restarts. Mirroring the addiction cycle, our male population is only flip-flop sober for a few months. And like clockwork, as soon as the temperature hits 55 degrees, the dogs come out. I can’t begin to express how detrimental that is to society. 

Men who wear flip flops should be tried for public indecency. Because genuinely, why am I seeing your toes frolicking on the quad when you could be normal and wear socks and sneakers? Flip flops on women aren’t much better, but I’m OK with them most of the time. I have firks (fake Birkenstocks) and I wear them pretty often in the warmer weather. But I’m also the exception.

This hatred stems from several places. Simply, I despise feet. I think they’re grotesque, especially when they’re attached to the male species. The mere words “feet” and “toes” make me nauseous. You can understand that writing this was a battle, but I’m doing what must be done.

I’ve been in far too many situations where feet were non-consensually present.

I covered my fair share of Quinnipiac men’s hockey in the past. Got nothing but love for you guys, seriously, but it is extremely unsettling when you walk into a press conference barefoot. I know that comes with the territory, but God, why?

We can’t all be Greek mythology’s gay icon Achilles and just prance around with our tanned, naked toes. Socks and slides are super in.

Unfortunately, the least attractive thing a man can do aside from being a conservative is to pull up to a function in flip-flops. I will never see you as anything more than the chud who wore those strappy sleuths in March when there’s still snow on the ground. I bet your heels are cracked, and the soles of your feet are collecting grime left and right.

It actually is socially acceptable and highly recommended by everyone to scrub your feet in the shower. And how do we keep them fresh and dandy after? We definitely don’t throw on our Rainbows!

The same goes for raw-dogging slides. That might be more disturbing. What man wakes up and decides to wear a pair of black Adidas slides that are two sizes too big, and yet somehow their entire foot still falls out of the front strap? What kind of sickness is that? I don’t know, but I’m not catching it. You may as well be a vampire, because you’re not invited into my house.

Take a page out of my dad’s book. Flip-flops are like bigotry to him. He literally protests them. When we go to the beach in July, he gets out of the car in sneakers.

One summer, he caved out of necessity and bought a pair. He was miserable. That’s a real man. Your future husband shouldn’t be falling for this pro frat flip-flop bullshit.

All this to say, put your damn feet away. Resistance is hot. Anybody in favor of men wearing flip-flops needs to stand up. You’re a sheep.