LET’S GET IT BERGER-ON
It took me nearly a full season to see Boston Bruins alternate captain Patrice Bergeron’s face.
When your parents are proprietors of not buying expensive cable, watching Bruins games becomes an exercise in sailing the seven seas and watching post game interviews isn’t necessarily in the cards.
But don’t get me wrong. He was still my favorite player.
“Bergy” was exactly the kind of athlete that always endears me. The hard-working, defensive hero that plays his best in the brightest lights. The kind of guy that you’d let date your sister. Lunch pail, hard-working, never in it for the stats kind of hockey.
But his stats are incredible. Men will see my favorite player ever isn’t a fourth liner from the East Coast Hockey League and decide “I don’t know puck.” Then they’ll take a look at Bergeron’s French-Canadian jawline and make a host of other incorrect assumptions about why the Bruins’ former captain is my favorite.
Calling me a “puck bunny” when I am the first to defend Bergeron in the Selke Trophy conversations is ridiculous when my evidence is his CF% (Corsi for Percentage), a stat that tracks a player’s puck control in a quantifiable manner. An eye test from a perfectly capable person, including a woman who believes Bergeron to completely live up to his nickname of “Saint Patrice” in every aspect, could’ve told you the same thing that stat could.
Maybe I just have bad luck with picking favorites because Bruins goaltender Jeremy Swayman seems to also cause a stir within the male hockey fan community. Newsflash, when goaltender Jaroslav Halak went down in the 2020-21 season, there was an option between two goalies to take the mantle. One had a 3.40 goals against average, the other had a 1.50.
Am I really a “puck bunny” if I liked the guy who let in less goals? It’s not even an advanced stat, it’s a simple metric that every broadcast from Hamden to Swayman’s hometown of Anchorage, Alaska, includes. I could have a nuanced conversation about how Swayman’s goals saved above expected of 27.1 is a lot higher than most fans are willing to give him credit for.
But to be honest, I don’t particularly want to. I don’t owe a spirited defense over why I like these players. They’re hot, they’re good at puck and that’s my business.
SLUTTING UP FOR THE SEASON
On Dec. 3, 2013, former Boston Red Sox center fielder Jacoby Ellsbury signed a seven-year, $153 million deal with the New York Yankees.
Eight-year-old me stood on the stairs in a gray 2013 Red Sox World Series t-shirt and sobbed for two reasons. One, I hated the idea of the 2013 team breaking up like One Direction. And two, I was in love with him.
Men love to claim they know more about sports than women. “Real” Boston fans dubbed faux fangirls, “pink hats,” in 2003 when a historic Red Sox team made it to the American League Championship Series.
“Pink hats” are the ditzy bitches at games who go for the Instagram pics, booze and a hot dog that they won’t eat.
And then, from under the brims of their pink hats, they’ll turn to their boyfriends and ask: “Who’s winning?” when the game is tied in the bottom of the ninth.
I can’t stand a fake fan either. But it’s worse to be compared to one. I genuinely care about baseball more than my own family. I’m my dad’s designated son. Since I don’t have a dick, I take on the role of diehard fan — hater of the ghost runner at second base in extras — and horny young adult. It’s just my cross to bear.
Red Sox left fielder Roman Anthony is a stud — athletically and physically. Height, hair, hug me brotha.
The Red Sox acquired Anthony because they offered a qualifying offer to pitcher Eduardo Rodriguez, who declined and signed with the Detroit Tigers.
Therefore, compensation pick.
Anything else from the peanut gallery? No? Cool.
Moving on to former Sox shortstop, Xander Bogaerts of the San Diego Padres. That was my soulmate, man. I dreamt he’d take me to Aruba and we’d have quadrilingual kids who went straight from high school to the majors like their daddy.
Bogaerts genuinely changed my life. He was the first autograph I ever got. Did you know he was No. 72 in 2013 during his rookie season with Boston? Or that his walk up song, “X Gon’ Give It To Ya,” is perfect because his nickname is “X-Man?” Did you?
I get it. I’m a woman who knows what WAR stands for, and that’s super scary.
It means wins above replacement, BTW. It’s a comprehensive stat that uses overall player metrics to estimate how many more wins that player can contribute to his team versus a replacement from the bench or minor leagues.
But yeah, I don’t really know shit. I just like to ogle at Cubs shortstop Dansby Swanson, who batted .244 in 2025. Sure. .244 sucks.
