Katerina Parizkova

I recently lost my “Yellowjackets” virginity, and I have to say, the story of a high school girl’s soccer team descending into a cannibalistic cult after crash landing in the woods on their way to nationals is quite compelling.

The plot eats (pun intended). The acting is fantastic and the constant switching between timelines — the wilderness era in 1996 and
the survivors’ adult lives 25 years later — is moderately entertaining. But holy shit, I’ve never hated two characters more.

Teens Lottie (Courtney Eaton) and Shauna (Sophie Nélisse), you’re on my hit list. So are the adult versions of you, but that’s a tirade for another day.

Early on in season one, it’s revealed that Lottie has schizophrenia and the lack of pharmacies in the wilderness allows her delusions to fester.

“Yellowjackets” teeters on the idea that the woods possess supernatural elements, but it never explicitly states it.

Lottie believes the wilderness, or “It,” controls the Yellowjackets’ fate, going full Jehovah’s Witness on the survivors.

Her visions fuel the events of the season one finale, when the girls accept that they aren’t being rescued and their lack of food options becomes glaringly obvious.

At this moment, everyone is unknowingly tripping on psychedelic mushrooms, leading them to believe Travis (Kevin Alves), one of
the surviving sons of the Yellowjackets’ head coach, is a stag. Lottie convinces the team to tie up my sexy Latino baby to a chair in the cabin, marking the show’s first hint towards cannibalism.

The girls start kissing Travis, slobbering all over him like he’s a piece of meat. It’s literally sexual assault.

Travis frees himself and runs into the woods. The Yellowjackets chase him down, restrain him like Jesus on the cross and shove a pinecone down his throat as they prepare to sacrifice him to the wilderness.

Natalie (Sophie Thatcher), A.K.A. mother, finds everyone and stops the mania. As a TravNat truther, I was relieved.

After that night, I can’t fathom how Lottie remains a beacon of hope to anyone when she’s absolutely deranged.

“Oh, but Lottie’s mentally ill.”

So is half of America.

In season three, Lottie tells the group that they can’t ever go home because they “don’t belong there anymore,” and decides they should have a second hunt to satisfy “It.” I’m sorry, what?

For clarity, the Yellowjackets conceptualize hunts in season two to avoid starvation and appease the wilderness, randomly drawing cards until a survivor plucks the Queen. That person is then chased down and cannibalized, naturally.

Now, I’d be remiss if I didn’t rant about Shauna. My sweet Rose Landry from “Heated Rivalry,” you are the worst person ever. The show writers paint Shauna as a passive, insecure teen who faces insurmountable loss in the wilderness. While that is technically true — she loses and eats her best friend, Jackie (Ella Purnell), and births a stillborn — these events that make her a victim are self-inflicted.

Teen Shauna was screwing Jackie’s boyfriend, Jeff (Jack DePew), and wound up pregnant.

Jackie learns this through Shauna’s journal and protests by sleeping outside of the cabin in the dead of winter. Shocker, Jackie freezes to death and everyone pities poor pregnant Shauna, who, by the way, becomes the first to consume human flesh in the form of Jackie’s ear.

Fans admire Shauna because she’s brave enough to do what the others can’t; she’s the butcher. But instead of being disturbed by dismembering and priming bodies for consumption, Shauna embraces it.

I get it, you’re angry at the world and heavily traumatized. But I’ll interject by saying everyone in this show is pretty screwed up, too.
Also, sleeping with your bestie’s boyfriend is a conscious choice.

By season three, Shauna’s lost it. She convinces the group that Coach Scott (Steven Krueger) burned down their cabin at the end of season two. The Yellowjackets hold him captive until Natalie mercy-kills him.

Lottie dethrones Natalie as Antler Queen and appoints Shauna, who forces Natalie to prepare Coach’s body for a feast. It’s truly Shauna’s wet, barbaric dream.

In the season three finale, a few Yellowjackets devise a plan before the hunt to rig the deck so Shauna’s newest slave, Hannah (Ashley Sutton), gets chosen.

Shauna catches on and positions herself so Mari (Alexa Barajas) winds up with the Queen and is mutilated via pit trap moments later. An apathetic Shauna demands that the others bring back Mari’s hair after barbecuing her body.

Are we deadass? This stone-cold bitch is so far removed from reality — she doesn’t even want to be rescued — that she needs a damn trophy. I’m not saying everyone in this show is a saint, but they sure as hell weren’t licking their lips while committing murder.

I don’t understand why the rest of the Yellowjackets give either of these girls the time of day instead of cooking their asses. I hope I pull the Queen next, because I’d rather die than see what egregious shit Lottie and Shauna do to this team in season four.