‘Important news’ found in supermarket check-out line

John Kelley

In the supermarket checkout line this past weekend, I came across an array of publications featuring headlines that read something like this: “Anna Nicole Smith dies. Porn-industry suffering immensely!” Being a big fan of Smith’s work, I was drawn to the publications and decided to buy some to further research the death of my onetime idol. Upon reading magazines such as Globe, Weekly World News, Star and National Enquirer, however, I discovered other major stories that were pressing and important news. It was shocking that Anna Nicole Smith’s death was front page news in Globe while the eminent explosion of the moon only made page three.

In all honesty though, these papers are fantastic, picking up all the best scoops. Who would have thought that George W. Bush, a man who refuses to negotiate with terrorists, negotiates with aliens? It’s true and there’s an in-depth story about it on page nine in Globe. And you know that it actually happened, too, because there are big, glossy, 8 x 10 pictures of our very own president shaking hands with a green, bug-eyed alien. More importantly, did you know that the world, as we know it, may be coming to an end? It is, at least according to Globe newspaper. Without it, I wouldn’t have known that the moon is going to explode in six months, forever blackening our atmosphere and spelling doom to all mankind. I’m stocking up on canned goods, to say the least.

Globe has got its work cut out for it, too. If you think Globe has the best stories, check out Weekly World News, the self-proclaimed “only reliable newspaper.” It was in this publication that I read about the infamous four-armed boxer, the 500-hundred pound woman with multiple personalities, Bigfoot subduing a criminal and the ever mysterious groundhog men. However, these stories did not worry me as much as the man-horses who openly defied and threatened the UN while roaming through New York City. Then again, George Bush seems to be doing the same thing, and how dangerous could a word-mangling Texan be?

I also enjoy reading the Star and National Enquirer. It was from the National Enquirer that I discovered Britney Spears gained 90 pounds, Winona Ryder was dating a garbage man and Oprah was bulimic. The Star informed me of monumental world events ranging from Mary-Kate Olsen’s cheating boyfriend and Nicole Richie’s possible eating disorder. Who would have thought? Like I said, I don’t know what I would do without Star.

These are cutting-edge stories that take relentless, dogged reporting to find. You don’t see The Boston Globe or The New York Times coming up with scoops like these. Who wants to hear about the stock market, drug smuggling in Colombia, college football and the war in Iraq when one can read about vampires terrorizing New York City, saber-toothed tigers fighting crime and a tree stump that resembles Mr. Rogers? If I were the editor of The New York Times, I would get my affairs in order, meaning I’d put some garlic around my neck and get the hell out of New York City. Vampires are dangerous; forget about the stupid New York Times and escape with your life. Then again, it probably won’t matter. The moon is exploding in six months anyway.