I’m sorry. Am I the only one who doesn’t have the slightest desire to swap spit with everyone at the party via apple bobbing?

You would think this atrocious joke of a Halloween “game” would have been phased out by now. I mean, it’s 2014. I think it’s time for some better, more creative Halloween games—but no. I remain baffled apple bobbing has somehow maintained it’s hierarchy on the Halloween festivities scale.

For those who are somehow unfamiliar with bobbing for apples, let me explain. Apples float in a bucket of water and you need to pick it up using only your mouth. So, every time you try to bite an apple it either A) dips down into the water and bounces up hitting you in the face or B) you get to have everyone’s dirty backwash, saliva-y, pre-used apple bobbing water in your mouth.

Newsflash: both of these things happen EVERY. TIME. And no matter what, your whole face and your hair get completely soaked. How is that fun? It’s not. It’s so far the opposite of fun. Then when you finally cheat and use your hands to pick up the apple, that’s it. There’s no prize. You don’t get anything. There’s legitimately no point to this stupid game and bobbing for apples has literally nothing to do with Halloween either. If anything, it could maybe be a summer game to help kids keep cool, but other than that it’s a huge waste of time.

Everyone, do the world a service and just make candy apples for your party like a normal host. Save bobbing for apples for when you’re bored in the summer and feel like tormenting your future children.