Imagine yourself cramped inside a sold-out AMC Theater. It’s Saturday, but you forgot that already. You actually don’t remember anything that’s ever happened to you because you’re so engrossed in the picture playing in front of you.
You clutch your roommate’s sweatshirt as the screen transitions to what can only be described as perfection.
Fiyero (Jonathan Bailey) enters your vision. You wish he’d enter a lot of other places, but there are far too many kids around to make that comment.
And then, you hear it. The sensual interlude of “As Long As You’re Mine.”
Your mouth is agape, you start to sweat. The greatest five minutes of your life are about to begin.
Or at least, that was my experience. Apparently, the internet had a whole lot of shit to say about the sensual anthem of “Wicked: For Good” and how it was filmed.
You people have no whimsy. I guess no good deed goes unpunished, even when the deed is that good.
To catch anyone up who hasn’t seen the Broadway production of “Wicked,” you’re sheltered and your parents failed you. But I’ll give you the courtesy of an explanation.
On Nov. 21, director Jon M. Chu’s “Wicked: For Good” — the second installment of the movie rendition of “Wicked” — hit theaters worldwide. The films were divided into two parts, mirroring Act I and II of the play.
Act II elicits a darker tone, serving as the show’s falling action. In both versions, Fiyero (Bailey), Chieftain of the Arjikis, is engaged to Glinda (Ariana Grande).
But that man wants something green rather than something blue on his wedding day.
Ultimately, Fiyero leaves Glinda and flees Emerald City to Elphaba’s (Cynthia Erivo) coven in the woods.
Elphaba wastes no time slipping into her raggedy sex cardigan, exposing lacey black lingerie. Fiyero, his frosted tips already swaying in the wind, removes his emerald and gold jacket, unclips his suspenders and the sultry sequence starts.
Now, the lyrics are self-explanatory. “Kiss me too fiercely/Hold me too tight.”
But it’s the subtleties in this scene that make your heart melt and your lower body parts tingle.
Particularly when Fiyero sings, “Somehow I’ve fallen/Under your spell,” giving a swoon-worthy head nod toward Elphaba, who scrunches her nose because he’s so damn charming.
I would also like to take a second and acknowledge the most effective part of this scene, and that is Bailey’s white button-down dress shirt. You were spectacular, my love.
In the play, “As Long As You’re Mine” oozes sex. Elphaba and Fiyero are touch-deprived, and it’s very obvious. Chu’s adaptation in “Wicked: For Good” shows their vulnerability.
Elphaba is not entirely confident in her appearance. But Fiyero reassures her that she’s beautiful, singing, “Maybe I’m brainless/Maybe I’m wise/But you’ve got me seeing/Through different eyes.” Please, just do me already.
Critics and avid TikTok users seem to have issues with how this scene was camera-blocked because it’s less intimate than it could have been.
And yes, I would’ve loved to watch those two go at it, I truly would’ve paid a lot of money. Release the “Snyder Cut,” Chu, release it!
But I was far from unsatisfied with what we were given. Bailey’s seductive eyes had me entranced. The way he longingly stares at Elphaba from his knees, the way he chases her around the little treehouse, it’s incredibly romantic.
The public’s grievance with the song is that Bailey and Erivo lacked chemistry. I was clearly not aware of this. Those gay theater kids had me wondering if they’d ever experimented.
Believe me, it was passionate, and it was realistic. The movie didn’t show them gnawing at the bit, ferociously undressing each other. It was two young adults sharing something sacred, and it was still lustful in a non-traditional sense.
Elphaba literally pulled up to Glinda’s wedding with a Victoria’s Secret set underneath her cape like a college kid stashing a condom in his wallet. She was starving.
Recall your first time. You were probably terrified, but you still went for it. Elphaba rightfully felt the same because it was a big deal. My girl was about to mix his milk with her matcha. That’s uncharted territory.
This rendition is much more nuanced than the play. Obviously, they’re about to boink. But listening to Erivo and Bailey’s voices harmonize, watching them twirl through the air to her bed under a gorgeous dimly lit set piece, it’s magical.
It turns that horny part of you off for just one second — one very split second until you see Bailey’s bare chest and biceps — and reminds you of that giddiness, that rush when you’re with the right person.
Like, “I’ll wake up my body/And make up for lost time.” Damn right you will. The appropriate thing here would be to give me a call when you do, but whatever.
Matching the sexual tension of a thematically adult play and translating it to a family-friendly movie was a tall task, but Bailey and Erivo did it justice.
And no, I will not be hearing another negative word about it. That’s just horrendible.
