SATIRE: Quinnipiac forgoes men’s ice hockey after appalling drop in rankings

Michael LaRocca, Staff Writer

Illustration by (Connor Lawless)

This article is for comedic purposes only. Actual names and likenesses used in this article are used in a parodic context, and are not a reflection of any actual person.

In response to the Quinnipiac University men’s ice hockey team dropping to No. 6 in the country on Nov. 1, the school has announced that it will abolish the team, effective immediately.

In a promptly written statement from the office of President Judy Olian, Quinnipiac has decided to reallocate funds from the team toward the creation of a state-of-the-art college dedicated to fashion design.

The statement also announced that the fashion school will be called the Sleeping Giant School of Design, and its dean will be former men’s ice hockey coach Rand Pecknold.

Pecknold, known for his prowess as a titan of the fashion industry, was extremely optimistic toward his new position.

“Very few people know that I was actually first hired here to design the hockey team’s uniforms,” Pecknold said. “On my first day, the coach and I bumped into each other and accidentally switched name tags. Neither of us had the courage to speak up about it.”

Quinnipiac students had mixed opinions toward the abrupt decision. “Losing the hockey team is going to be rough on the student morale,” said Kalen Picard, a junior strategic communications major. “However, I’ve heard that their doctorate program includes making dresses from garbage bags. So, you win some and you lose some.”

The athletic department has not ruled out the possibility of shutting down more programs, pending the fashion design school’s success. Baseball has specifically been cited as the next potential target for a revenue harvest.

“Wait, they said what?” said John Delaney, Quinnipiac baseball head coach.

Olian later stated that the new program will bring the university into a brand new era of prosperity, despite the immediate backlash.

“Put your hockey sticks away, my children, and pick up a pair of scissors,” Olian said. “Fashion is the new queen at this university — and this devil — wears bobcat.”