The only news for me!

John Kelley

In the supermarket check-out line last weekend, I came across an array of publications featuring headlines that read something like this: “Iraq in Chaos” or “Bush Pronounces a Name Correctly!” Meanwhile, I was shocked that Iraq was front page news in a paper like The New York Post. They missed the important news story about the imminent explosion of the moon in only six months, which was the lead piece in Weekly World News. Clearly, the Post went with the wrong feature, missing out on the truly big scoop of the day. Unfortunately, Weekly World News will no longer be delivering these major stories, as they have been shut down recently, publishing their final pieces online this month. This will end a great string of hard-nosed, information-seeking journalism because, as anyone knows, if one wants the real news, he or she must know where to look. Specifically in papers such as Weekly World News, Globe, Star, and National Enquirer, which include pressing and important news stories to garner their readers’ attention.

Obviously, the tabloids embrace cutting-edge journalism, publishing the important stories that other newspapers seem to miss. Who knew that George W. Bush, a man who refuses to negotiate with terrorists, negotiates with aliens? It’s true, and there is an in-depth story about it on page two of the Globe. And you know it actually happened because there are large, color photographs of our very own president shaking hands with a green, bug-eyed alien. Furthermore, were you aware that the world, as we know it, may be coming to an end? It is, according to the venerable Globe. Faithful Globe readers know the moon is going to explode in six months, forever blackening our atmosphere and spelling doom to all mankind. No fool, I’m stocking up on canned goods.

After you finish reading Globe, check out Weekly World News, which proclaims itself as “the only reliable newspaper,” featuring articles about the infamous four-armed boxer, the 500- pound woman with a fear of large objects, Bigfoot’s new role in the Republican party, and the ever mysterious groundhog men. The piece causing me the most concern deals with the horde of amphibians that are openly vilifying and threatening Iran. Then again, George Bush is doing the same thing, and how dangerous could he be?

I always learn a great deal from the National Enquirer, recently reading that Britney Spears gained 90 pounds, Winona Ryder is dating a garbage man, and Oprah is bankrupt.

The Star informed me of monumental world events, ranging from Mary-Kate Olsen’s philandering boyfriend and-gasp!- Nicole Richie’s eating disorder. Who would have thought? I don’t know what I would do without the Star.

The tabloids feature ground-breaking stories that take relentless, dogged reporting to find. You don’t see The Boston Globe or The New York Times coming up with pieces like these. Who wants to hear about the stock market, drug smuggling in Colombia, college football, and the war in Iraq when one can read about vampires terrorizing New York City and a tree stump that resembles Mr. Rogers? Of course, a lack of quality reporting is the least of The New York Times editor’s problems. If I were him, I would get my affairs in order and get the hell out of New York City. Vampires are dangerous; forget about The New York Times and escape with your life. Then again, it probably won’t matter. The moon is exploding in six months anyway.