Silly Siri

Sarah Rosenberg

Considering the fact that acquiring an iPhone was a 24-hour process (forgotten credit cards, Apple-hungry mall mobs, misplaced Driver’s licenses, you know, the usual,) I hoped that my transition from the BlackBerry to the iPhone would be smooth. So far, I would say I am a pretty satisfied customer. Autocorrect is a savior, Instagram helps me pretend I am a burgeoning photographer, and the maps application for the directionally-impaired makes navigation a lot simpler. But then, there are those classic moments when technology becomes too much for itself, specifically in the case of an electronic female slave with a foreign name—Siri.

Her name is eerily similar to that of Tom Cruise’s daughter with Katie Holmes, but it isn’t shocking. Siri is a celebrity, Steve Jobs’ love child with Apple before his premature death. This chick means business. Case in point: When I asked Siri if Cheez-its were the next solution to world peace, she brilliantly told me that she found three cheese shops near me. One of these “cheese shops” happened to be Caseus, a cheese and restaurant in New Haven that one will notice on a shuttle ride to Toad’s. Now, thanks to Siri, I am hungry and craving cheese. Therefore, I will go to Caseus and indulge in an overpriced meal of dairy finger foods. Isn’t that Siri just a genius? With the click of a button, I am not only feeding my appetite but mobilizing the economy. World peace or not, I, along with the owner of Caseus, am a very happy camper.

Alas, in the most hysterical fashion, Siri gives the worst directions. For a smart phone, she really does not know how to delegate a map when given a specific address. Maybe there’s something wrong with my pronunciation and diction when speaking into the microphone, as I don’t recall using expletives when asking for directions to Wallingford. That’s the thing about Siri—she won’t tolerate foul play, bad words or a rude tone. Be clear and respectful, and then she’ll be happy to be at your service.

Thus, Siri is not a deep thinker. She cannot tell you the meaning of life, nor can she give you self-help advice. When asked where I can find my inner spirit, she replied, “I don’t know who you are, but you can tell me!” See, she’s always so supportive! But, she can point you in the right direction to discovering what’s in your future—astrology, horoscopes, local psychics. If I am lucky, she’ll lead me to someone who can predict what the consequences will be for asking my phone such asinine questions.