I hail from the great state of New Jersey (please no jokes about how it smells). The state vegetable of New Jersey has been declared: the tomato. So, one would think that being a citizen of the great state of “The Jerz,” the third state to ratify the Constitution, I would be a fan of the little red veggie/fruit.

(Aside: The tomato is scientifically a fruit. But, according to a United States tariff law passed May 10, 1893, the tomato is considered a vegetable, due to the fact that it is generally served with dinner and not desert, as a fruit would. This law allowed tomatoes to be exempt from the old taxes on fruits. So, scientifically a fruit (or more precisely, a berry, because it grows on a vine), but some still consider it a vegetable. Glad I cleared that one up for you, aren’t you?)

Wrong. I despise tomatoes.

What an absolutely disgusting food. These little red devils may be one of the most repulsive things I’ve ever put in my mouth, and don’t think that list is limited exclusively to food.

The tomato needs to choose a consistency. Are you going to be chewy? Are you going to be gooey? Do you have a skin? What’s with these seeds? Whatever you are, whatever you end up being, I despise you.

Oh tomato, you’re not even tasty when you’re ground up into an almost-liquid thickness and placed in a bottle. You look like blood, and by rule, I never eat anything that looks like blood – or has blood in the name. Ketchup, or catsup as you are sometimes referred, could be taken off the market, and I would not be sad. You are a vile food when you must be chewed or when you can be sucked through a straw.

I don’t like how you look either. You sort of remind me of the gentle curves of a woman’s body, but you are so bright red, you hurt my eyes. I’ve never smelled a tomato, but I assume they smell poorly. When I poke you, oh tomato, you give like the naked belly of a fat man. And finally, the sound of people chewing you, or when you squirt out of a squeeze bottle, is repulsive at best.

So sight, taste, smell, touch and sound are all negatives in my eyes. You’ve covered, and destroyed, all five senses. Congratulations, you glorified berry.

I ask why – WHY? – is the tomato so popular!?

The only exception I will make is for tomato sauce, known to Italians as “gravy.” Other than that though…Yuck.