What grinds my gears

Andrew Vazzano

A weekly tirade from Andrew Vazzano

Let me preface this by saying I enjoy most “holiday” music – and by holiday music, I mean Christmas music.

The song “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” written by Tommie Connor, is not only stupid, but it’s also very creepy. Is my mom an adulterer? Does Santa kiss everyone’s mother? Is milk and cookies an allegory for something.else.?

Let’s take a look at the lyrics. “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus / Underneath the mistletoe last night.” At this point in our lives (college), we all know Santa isn’t real. Right? Well little kids hear this song and they don’t know that the wool is being pulled over their eyes every Dec. 25. Does mommy get a pardon for one sneaky kiss every year? Not for me. If I actually paid attention when I was a child, this song would have been devastating to my outlook. I could imagine some kid sitting in his car-seat giving his mom the stink eye for cheating on daddy.

“She didn’t see me creep / Down the stairs to have a peep / She thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep.” Go to bed, kid! First of all, you don’t want to see what goes on once you go to sleep. Everyone has heard the horror stories of walking in on your parents making out on the couch, listening to Barry White and sipping some red wine. Believe me child, stay in bed and stay out of their business.

“Then, I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus / Underneath his beard so snowy white;” Ew! Either daddy is wearing a costume and your parents are into role playing, or momma is really cheating on poppa, and I think there are some larger issues at hand here. Also, your mom may have a thing for tubby guys. Not that it might be a bad thing, but it could lead to some dangerous situations. (If you know what I mean!)

“Oh, what a laugh it would have been / If Daddy had only seen / Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.” I’m going to venture out there and say it would not have been a “laugh.” It would be more like “Where’s my shotgun?! Get the *BLEEP* out of my house you cheating *BLEEP*!” There would have been crying and screaming, and things would be thrown and slammed. Generally a situation you want to avoid, and definitely not laugh about.

All in all, this song is terrible and promotes adultery. Is that really what you want to sing about as the cheerful holidays approach? I don’t think so.