Sex between two men is often a passionate, dazzling and enlightening experience. You can learn a lot about yourself after getting intimate with someone of the same gender, no matter how you may identify in the LGBTQ+ community, if at all.

However, how traditional gay male intercourse operates is somewhat complex and remains a mystery to many, including some gay people.

The lack of knowledge of the do’s and don’ts of gay sex can be attributed to a significant lack of sex education in U.S. schools, especially Catholic schools. Currently, there are 6,429 total Catholic schools in the U.S., according to the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops.

I attended Catholic school from kindergarten until 12th grade — yes, I’d feel sorry for me too. Inevitably, I most certainly didn’t grasp any mastery of the mechanics of gay intercourse from my middle through high school education.

Catholic school sex education failed me. I learned everything I thought I needed to know about gay sex through gay porn. Thank heavens Jesus couldn’t see my 13-year-old self’s Google search history; otherwise, I’d really be in trouble.

Unfortunately, like professional wrestling and my patience for Tennessee lawmakers, gay porn is equally fake. Every jizz shot, grunt and moan is scripted and staged for the cameras.

Thus, much of my expertise — if you can even call it that — comes from real-world experience instead of the fictional world of gay erotic cinema. I’ve made mistakes, and I’m still learning new things about myself and my body every time. So don’t feel like you need to know everything from day one and enjoy your sexual journey.

Albert Einstein might not have thought of gay sex when he said, “The only source of knowledge is experience, you need experience to gain wisdom.” However, it still applies.

Within gay and bisexual communities, men use the terms “bottom” or “top” and “vers” in describing their sexual preferences and penetrative role(s) during intercourse. However, the meaning of each term varies from person to person.

But generally, a “top” prefers to take control and typically penetrates and receives oral sex. A “bottom” takes on the more receptive role, gives oral sex and is penetrated. Finally, someone who is “vers” is willing to take on either position.

Contrary to popular belief, these descriptors are not exclusive to queer men and each category is not all-encompassing. For example, being a “top,” “bottom” and “vers” is multiplex, but here is a fundamental overview of what it means to be a top and bottom.

Mom, this is your time to leave if you’re reading this.

‘Bottoming’  is a pain in the butt, literally

Though “bottoms” have a more passive role during intercourse, the preparation “bottoms” go through is admirable. 

For one, many douche before “bottoming.” Douching is using water to clean the lower part of your rectum, flushing out the excreta, according to WebMD. One of the simplest ways to do this is by using a disposable enema which can be found at any drugstore.

Before “bottoming,” I suggest avoiding eating hearty meals from places like Taco Bell and Chipotle. Keep it light if you absolutely must eat before “bottoming,” which I would never recommend. Using flushable wipes is also a great way to keep clean and smell great downstairs at all times, which is just sound advice for anybody.

Truth be told, “bottoming” hurts and is hardly enjoyable the first couple of times. Your anus isn’t made to accommodate a penis, so it might feel like you’re forcing a square peg into a round hole at first. However, after a few tries and the right amount of lube, it can feel great. 

Masturbating with a dildo or finger is also a great way to prepare your rectum for the real thing. Once you’re in the act, take a deep breath, push out and relax your muscles while your sexual partner enters you to minimize the pain.

Being on ‘top’ isn’t for the faint of heart

A “bottom” isn’t a “bottom” without its “top.” Truthfully, there is no right way to top someone during sex, but it does come with a lot of responsibility.

While in the act, it’s good to consider a few pointers. First, start penetration slowly. Bottoming hurts, so be sure all muscles are relaxed before going in balls deep. Next, vary your speed levels and don’t be afraid to switch up positions, consensually, of course. If you’re anything like me, I get bored quickly, so changing it up can lead to a more pleasurable experience for both parties.

Lastly, pay close attention to your sexual partner’s body language and words. If your partner is expressing pain, maybe it’s best to take a break. Asking your partner what feels good and what doesn’t is a great way to ensure everyone is having fun. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment, but what’s the point if you’re not both on the same page?

Safe sex is the best sex, no, really 

Finally, everyone should prioritize safe sex. Penetration, especially anal, can lead to the risk of sexually transmitted diseases. Therefore, it’s great to use condoms and other preventative medications, like Pre-exposure prophylaxis, or PrEP. This daily prescription pill reduces the risk of HIV if you plan on engaging in sexual intercourse with a new partner.

Engaging in sex, no matter how you identify, can be an enjoyable and liberating experience. However, don’t feel pressured to do anything outside your comfort zone, and don’t think too hard about the labels. Have fun and always play it safe.