SATIRE: Quinnipiac introduces first-ever outdoor residence facility

Michael LaRocca, Opinion Editor

Illustration by (Connor Lawless)

This article is for comedic purposes only. Actual names and likenesses used in this article are used in a parodic context, and are not a reflection of any actual person.

Quinnipiac University’s Department of Residential Life announced a brand new outdoor residential hall for first-year students opening for the 2022-23 academic year on April 26.

The residential hall, set to be named Lahey Terrace after former President John Lahey, will be the first dorm setting at Quinnipiac to be exclusively outdoors, due to the increase in first-year applications.

“Oh, that’s what they used my name for?” Lahey said. “I was told it would be for that business school extension they’re doing, but this is alright I guess. I don’t really care.”

With the lack of indoor housing for incoming students being of concern for Quinnipiac, the university made the decision to house members of the class of 2026 in state-of-the-art tents that are able to hold four residents at a time, if they position themselves correctly.

“This will be an amazing compromise for students who wish to get a taste of the real world experience,” Associate Director of Student and Residential Comfort Assistance Morgan Bumble said. “Nothing helps assimilate a student to the nightmare-ish tendencies of the New England winter better than waking up to your tentmate being treated for frostbite.”

The tents will be placed in predetermined plots across the Mount Carmel campus. Students who wish to sleep warmer at night have the option to purchase a heavy-duty sleeping bag for an extra $1000 charged to their tuition bill. An alternative will be to have your tent placed near one of the campus’ many propane fire pits if a student obtains a 3.5 GPA or higher at the end of their first semester.

“I really don’t know about this,” adjunct professor of water studies Pacific Larson said. “This is just bad.”

The university has already made attempts to quell Larson’s suspicions.

“Propaganda,” Bumble said of Larson’s statement. “Just straight anti-fire propaganda.”

Dean of the College of Arts & Sciences Adam David Roth subsequently relieved Larson of her duties after Bumble’s rebuttal interview.

The university stated that students who decide to unstake their tent from its original position will have a hold put on their account until the tent is returned. Students will also be placed on two-month academic probation to dissuade further action for violation.

“There is an extremely high demand for dorm space on campus this fall,” Bumble said. “We cannot have students leaving their areas to go camping with Terrence [the Bear] and run the risk of damaging university property.”

Lahey Terrace will also be the host to the brand new Environmental Science Living Learning Community, which will allow students from all majors within the College of Arts & Sciences to experience the sights and sounds of suburban Hamden.

“This is the wave right here,” incoming first-year political science major Logan Boreiano said. “You people may not know, but I was an Eagle Scout in high school, so this will be just like scout camp, except every day.”

Current students, however, are not as welcoming to the idea of outdoor dorming.

“Did lockdown make these high school kids dumb?” sophomore nursing major Adrianna Lopes said. “I’m not sure what these tour guides are telling them, but this is not Clemson weather. This is legitimately dangerous.”

The university said that it will reassess the guidelines for outdoor housing as the year progresses and the winter ramps up.

“This school isn’t going to know what hit it,” Boreiano said. “I graduated high school. How hard could sleeping outside be?”