SATIRE: QU to open petting zoo at CCE pond as part of new Earth Day initiative

Aidan Sheedy, Copy Editor

Illustration by (Connor Lawless)

This article is for comedic purposes only. Actual names and likenesses used in this article are used in a parodic context, and are not a reflection of any actual person.

Honk! Quack!

The Quinnipiac University’s Quad is about to get a lot noisier as a new petting zoo will open, allowing students, staff and faculty to pet wild geese, ducks and their ducklings on Earth Day, April 22.

“This is a great opportunity for Quinnipiac to connect with nature,” Head of the Student-Environmental Coalition Thomas Entenmann said. “I’ve always loved animals and Quinnipiac, so I thought ‘Why not combine the two?’”

The petting zoo will require a $20 fee upfront in either QCash, check or Bobcat Bucks (given to the Legdes residents). For now, the pond will remain as is, but Entenmann said students will be able to rent swimming gear for an additional $20 fee and swim with the animals in the pond.

“Geese and ducks are such majestic creatures,” Entenmann said. “Students will now understand why and can be up close and personal with them at the same time.”

First-year biology major Emily Sunshine said she is in full support of this initiative as a nature fanatic and annual Earth Day observer.

“I think this is a great opportunity for the animals of Quinnipiac to connect with the other members of our school,” Sunshine said. “All of the animals are just as big a part of the school as we are. As someone who feels connected with Mother Nature, I am in full support.”

For this year’s Earth Day, the grand opening of the zoo will feature a new animal as well. “Terrance the Bear” will make an appearance as the guest of honor to cut the ribbon at the ceremony where Quinnipiac President Judy Olian will be in attendance.

Terrance roamed around campus last year’s Earth Day, eating students’ food truck leftovers and climbing trees.

“I’m so glad to welcome Terrance back to Quinnipiac after his sabbatical,” Olian said. “He has been missing for a while now, and I’m glad he was able to get back to me and participate in this momentous event.”

After the ribbon-cutting ceremony, students will have the day to pet the animals for free but will have to sign a consent waiver in the event of injuries. They are required to put down a $10 deposit for picking up the animal’s excrement so that the area stays clean for visitors and tours.

“I’ll be happy to pick up after the animals,” Sunshine said. “It’s really something the school should’ve been doing a long time ago.”

Entenmann said he also hopes that with the new renting of swimming gear, a student-only aquatic experience will open shortly after. The newest Quinnipiac employee said he plans to open the creek behind Irmagarde Tator Hall so the swimming gear can be used to literally “swim with the fishes.”

Sophomore finance major Darren Josephsen said he is not excited to hear splashing and laughing from his dorm room on Hill.

“Are they really allowing students to swim in ‘Hepatitis Lake?’” Josephsen said. “That place is so gross. I’m surprised even fish and bugs survive in there.”

But again, Entenmann had a rebuttal. In his eyes, this is another way for the school to capitalize on student behavior and put money toward improving the on-campus experience.

“Students are constantly jumping or playing around in that water,” Entenmann said. “I think having students pay to swim in it can be beneficial if the money can go to something like improving school food or creating more parking spaces, but those are problems that don’t need action right now.”