SATIRE: Quinnipiac’s new deal: women’s rugby sent to Merrimack for swim team

Peter Piekarski, Sports Editor

Illustration by (Connor Lawless)

This article is for comedic purposes only. Actual names and likenesses used in this article are used in a parodic context, and are not a reflection of any actual person.

In a wild, blockbuster move, Quinnipiac University is officially trading its women’s rugby team to Merrimack University in exchange for the women’s swimming and diving team.

“I feel betrayed,” Quinnipiac senior benchwarmer Kathleen Garryowen said. “I’ve spent my four years here hustling on and off the field carrying water bottles for my teammates.”

Additionally, Quinnipiac is sending a 2023 commit and a conditional senior 3.5 GPA student, and in return is receiving cash considerations. The senior student will convert to a 2.8 GPA junior if and when the construction of the pool is delayed.

With limited facility room and funding, the newly acquired swim team will have to design, pay for and build a Division I swimming pool itself where the current rugby field resides.

“I gave them one rule for the new structure,” Quinnipiac director of athletics Greg Amodio said. “It has to be an outdoor swimming pool. That way, they have a competitive edge against schools that have never trained outside during the New England winter.”

The new Quinnipiac athletes will have to properly file all permits with the town of Hamden for construction in a 48-hour window once they arrive at the university.

Once that portion is done, the pool must be completed in a timely manner, as the MAAC requires that any renovated or newly installed arenas are to be done exactly 183 days prior to the season opener.

“This is ridiculous, I never signed up for this,” junior engineering major and swim team free-stylist Brianna McBackstroke said. “How am I expected to design a stadium when I took 90% of my college courses online and used Chegg for all of them?”

Since funds are tight, Quinnipiac plans to hand the reins to a current university coach to run the team. As of now, the favorite to land the job is women’s soccer head coach Dave Clarke.

“I don’t know much about swimming, but I sure can teach them how to dive,” Clarke said.

The team has 212 days and 11 hours to complete the new pool and prepare for the 2022-23 season.