SATIRE: Quinnipiac administration and faculty football game a success despite lack of attendance

Michael LaRocca, Associate Opinion Editor

Illustration by (Connor Lawless)

This article is for comedic purposes only. Actual names and likenesses used in this article are used in a parodic context, and are not a reflection of any actual person.

After several weeks of cryptic hints and advertisements, Quinnipiac University administration announced on Feb. 4, that the school was hosting a full-contact football game between the administration and faculty on Sunday, Feb. 6.

“I don’t know who asked for this or wanted it,” said Alvin Moravsky, a first-year health science major. “Literally everyone I know thought we were getting an actual football team. I don’t think that’s too unreasonable since that’s what the flyers all around campus said.”

University administration placed flyers around campus throughout the weeks prior to the game stating the university will be, “Unleashing Ambition on the Gridiron.” It included fully designed uniforms incorporating the Quinnipiac colors, created by the fashion icon himself, men’s hockey coach, Rand Pecknold.

The game was played Sunday afternoon on the lush, green turf of the Quinnipiac Soccer & Lacrosse Stadium for the reasonable entry fee of $25, which could be paid with cash or credit. If the students wanted a discount, they could use their meal points for entry instead at a $20 price point so the university could dodge taxes on the transactions.

The press release noted that the proceeds would go towards adding extra air conditioning to the administration offices located in the east wing of the Arnold Bernhard Library.

“When I heard it was $25, I had to puke into my Starbucks cup,” Moravsky said. “They really expect us to shell out that

type of cash for an event between folks who are approaching their retirement pension?”

However, for the nine students who chose to pay the fee to watch the game, they were treated to one of the great events in the history of Quinnipiac athletics.

“It beats watching the Giants,” said Jessica Williamson, a junior English major.

The game turned out to be a classic shootout between the administration and faculty, with the faculty coming out on top 56-53. The winning points came after Margarita Diaz, associate professor of journalism, connected on a 47-yard field goal as time expired.

University Provost Debra Liebowitz threw the interception that set up the field goal, giving the faculty the perfect shot at the win. Liebowitz would finish the game, completing 30 passes for 408 yards, five passing touchdowns, a rushing touchdown and that one costly interception.

One of the few students in attendance, Joshua Morgan, a senior finance major, bet the entirety of his student loans on the administration, who were favored by 4 1⁄2 points.

“It’ll be fine,” Morgan said after the Diaz field goal. “I have a few NFTs I can trade to bring my money back up.”

After the conclusion of the interview, Morgan began to cry and ran full speed into the woods behind the stadium. He has not been seen since the interview was conducted.

The university has stated that despite the minimal attendance, both sides have expressed interest in continuing this event as a team-building exercise for years to come.

“Wait, you gotta be making this up,” said Frank Wilson, a sophomore criminology major. “There’s no way this actually happened.”