SATIRE: CXO Tom Ellett to turn apartment into weekend nightclub

Neha Seenarine, Associate Arts & Life Editor

Illustration by (Connor Lawless)

This article is for comedic purposes only. Actual names and likenesses used in this article are used in a parodic context, and are not a reflection of any actual person.

The party does not stop under the watch of Tom Ellett, Quinnipiac University’s chief experience officer.

Ellett will make his newly renovated on-campus apartment available to students for a weekend nightclub, kickstarting in the spring 2022 semester. The intention is to enhance nightlife in the community without students having to leave campus. The club will be called the Bobcat Den.

“We trademarked the name, we have to use it somehow,” President Judy Olian said.

The Bobcat Den will open from 7-10 p.m. Attendees that stay past closing time will be ineligible to register for classes for the following semester.

Ellett’s kitchen will be utilized as an open bar for Shirley Temples. The club will play Ellett’s favorite song, “Gasolina” by Daddy Yankee for the entire three-hour duration directly from his phone with the occasional Spotify advertisements sprinkled in.

“There is nothing more I want to see than Tom Ellett getting jiggy in his living room,” sophomore chemistry major Matthew Frankel said.

The club requires a dress code. Attendees are expected to be well-groomed and wear clean clothing, free of holes, or tears. As per nightclub policy, clothing should not be too revealing or have inappropriate designs or stamps.

“The air conditioning is on at all times,” Ellett said. “I advise students to wear the same hoodie and khaki shorts combo they wear to their 8 a.m. classes in 34-degree weather.”

Boomer the Bobcat will greet students outside of the Bobcat Den for admission. Students can use their QCards, but they may be denied entry if they have outstanding balances on their accounts.

“I never had the chance to take a picture with Boomer since I came to Quinnipiac,” senior marketing major Roger Ortiz said. “I have a collage of mascots I met in my life and the fact I haven’t formally met Boomer is insulting.”