SATIRE: A typical day in the life of a QU student
November 30, 2021
This article is for comedic purposes only. Actual names and likenesses used in this article are used in a parodic context, and are not a reflection of any actual person.
8:30 a.m.
I start my morning by pre-ordering some Starbucks. When I arrive 10 minutes later, my drink is ready. It’s easy for me to find my mobile order in the small collection of finished drinks, and I can just take it and go without having to ask an employee to check that it’s mine.
We have an honor system here at Quinnipiac University: no one steals each other’s food or Starbucks orders. Sometimes when I have an extra minute, I’ll order in person. There are also times when I get a drink I didn’t even order–a fun surprise.
“It’s honestly pretty slow,” Starbucks employee Cheryll Brown said. “We hardly get any orders. But the smoothie station is usually jam-packed.”
8:45 a.m.
I entered Café Q, and there’s so many vegan options today. From plant-based desserts, to applewood smoked bacon and Philadelphia cream cheese, I have so much to choose from. Today I went with a vegan and gluten-free croissant with some non-dairy butter to pair nicely with my warm drink.
In the dining hall, there was a sign for a vegan teach-in event called “Gelatin is for Meat-Lovers” hosted by Alan Butcher, a sophomore accounting major. He was serving romaine lettuce to the people that attend.
Normally, I ask the head chef what’s on the menu for the morning, and he tells me it’s something like bourbon-glazed gluten-free french toast or apple cinnamon bonbons.
“We like to prioritize making delicious and well-cooked foods for our students,” said Jack Hermin, Quinnipiac Dining’s public relations director. “We treat the kids like they’re our own.”
10:00 a.m.
I’ve arrived at class and since I’m a communications major, I have absolutely nothing to learn. I spent the whole class thinking about how easy it will be for me to get a job after graduating, especially considering how non-competitive the journalism market is. Plus, I’ll be making so much money in my position as a civil servant.
2:00 p.m.
I head back to my dorm and get ready for the gym. On the walk there, I look at the remnants of Judy Olian’s bulldozing event from earlier last month. The $5 I paid to watch was so worth it and the event had a great Zoom connection. I was even able to make out the crying construction workers in the background. Hopefully, she holds another one soon to knock over those ugly trees by the College of Arts and Sciences. They would be better replaced by more academic buildings and residence halls.
I get so annoyed when environmental science junior Polly Smith protests against climate change on the Quad every Thursday. It’s not like cutting down a forest of trees will do us any harm, especially in the 21st century.
4:15 p.m.
Break time! I decided to sit in the adirondack chairs on the Quad today. They really calm my mind and help me maintain my mental health. It’s calming to watch and hear all the tours pass me by on the Quad. I can hear the sweet sound of tour guides talking about Quinnipiac to prospective students.
7:30 p.m.
Every other week I go to my club meeting for Students Unite for French Fries (STUFF). Thankfully, I am not overextended in STUFF (even though I’m on the executive board). We have a large budget to spend on potatoes this semester to plan our Potato Party next week. We plan to use deep fryer machines to do a french fry cooking demo in CCE 101.
