This article is for comedic purposes only. Actual names and likenesses used in this article are used in a parodic context, and are not a reflection of any actual person.

For the first time in Quinnipiac University’s history, students got what they wanted.

Quinnipiac decided to stop production of the expansion of the Athletic and Recreation Center. In the university’s 10-year master facilities plan, a health and wellness center was coming to campus in the fall semester of 2022. However, students creating their own parking spots in North Lot put a halt to this transition.

“There are so many alternatives to being physically active, but zero alternatives for a car accident,” President Judy Olian said. “We didn’t plan to renovate the recreation center, so we might as well get rid of it.”

Olian will be hosting a bulldozing event on Nov. 2, operating the bulldozer without any prior training. Olian said using the machine is a lifelong goal of hers. The North Lot will be closed for the event.

“It’s very strange that Quinnipiac chooses to fix a problem by causing another,” sophomore biomedical marketing major Chelsea Thomas said. “I’m not surprised though. I’m sure Hogan Lot will have room for all the non-residential students.”

There will be a $5 fee to attend the bulldozing event over Zoom. The profits will go towards compensating the construction workers’ hard work being destroyed.

“It’s a part of their contract, I wish I could get out of it,” Olian said. “The $90 commuter parking fee effective in the spring will fulfill their paychecks.”

The employees of the recreation center will be relocated to the York Hill campus.

The demolition will create 300 additional parking spots in the North Lot. The administration came to the conclusion that students following other people for a parking space is creepy.

“It’s great that I won’t risk smashing into someone because a student decided to park in a blind spot,” senior gerontology major Austin Bartone said. “However, it’s disappointing I can’t show off my Poland Springs gallon off to the ladies on leg day.”