The gym is a place I retreat to when I need to clear my mind, listen to music and just be left alone for an hour. However, I have found I cannot entirely cut myself off from reality in an atmosphere that is so ideal for people-watching. After extensive observation and research, and numerous trips around the track, I have come up with some of my favorite characters at the gym.

“Psycho on the Elliptical” – Usually when running toward a corner of machines, the ellipticals tend to move in synchronized motions. However, if you are lucky enough to witness, there will be one exerciser pedaling away at turbo speed, standing out among the other average-paced climbers. I assume these crazies are determined to burn as many calories as their neighbors in a fraction of the time. Sometimes I see satisfaction on their faces when they get to leave the corner a new record breaker, even after factoring in the few minutes it took to let the footholds slow to a manageable speed so they could dismount. However, I like to focus my attention on the faces of the pinwheels for legs, which are always decorated with sweat and determination.

“High-Speed Chase Boys” – There is no better place to show off your agility than the tiny track in the gym. Some guys like to exhibit how well they can NASCAR themselves around the corners, and what better way than to partake in a race. As I jog in the “loser lane,” two stallions go hurdling past me, determined to prove to the other they can make it to the water fountain first. The racers feel exhilarated; the bystanders feel slightly in danger of being clipped by a flying shoulder. My favorite part of the race is the end, when I can sigh a breath of relief and watch the defeated boy shake his head.

“Track Hogs” – The group of friends that walk side-by-side around the track, prohibiting anyone from actually getting a workout.

“Machine Terminator” – Machine-taking is a serious offense at the QU gym. If your initials were not assigned to that particular machine, prepare to be confronted.  The best way to handle having your elliptical occupied is to ask the perpetrator how much longer they expect to waste your time on your machine. If instead you are the sneaky machine stealer, it is best simply to say something like, “Oh wow, I lost track of time,” even if you had the machine for five minutes.

“Multitasker” – I give the people who can study and burn calories at the same time a lot of credit. After seeing a trend in people reading while on the elliptical, I decided to try it out for myself and brought my textbook to the gym. After strategically placing the giant text onto the small ledge, I tried to read while I stepped. I’m prone to motion sickness, so that alone should have told me I would not be able to master this technique. About half of a sentence into my reading, my textbook teetered from its perch, came crashing into my foot pedal and was propelled onto the track in the way of a runner. I guess I have to stick to watching TV, or better yet, the people around me.