This weekend I was extremely sick. It may have been from volunteering on national Shake-a-Hand Day or my habit of not washing my hands after using public restrooms. Nonetheless, I was rendered motionless on the couch for up to 50 straight hours. Now that’s not to say I didn’t enjoy being able to do nothing but watch basketball and movies all weekend, but when the movies came from the Science Fiction Channel, there was a bit of a problem. You see, I noticed that all movies on the Science Fiction Channel have one thing in common: they’re terrible. I came to this tragic realization during hour number twelve while watching Tremors 9: Attack of the Poor Script, Bad Acting, and Dreadful Special Effects” followed by an invigorating showing of Hollow Man 3: He Still Lives, Somehow.
Honestly, it’s not the channel’s fault. Most science fiction movies suck like a Hoover vacuum. I took the liberty to separate all science fiction movies into three groups: the evil creature movie, the evil person movie, and the evil person becoming an evil creature movie. An evil creature movie will feature a title like “Big Snakes: Sucking Your Blood While You Sleep.” This type of movie will have a dashing young man named Jeff and his voluptuous girlfriend, Tonya, leading a group of ill-fated youths from big, loud, computer-generated, not-so-scary snakes that (surprise) suck your blood while you sleep. In the end, everyone but Tonya and Jeff will die in that ever-too-familiar manner that leads the audience to scream at the characters, “Don’t walk into the cave infested with big snakes that suck your blood while you sleep!”
Next, observe the evil person movie. In a film called “Tidal Wave: Destroying Your Home While You Sleep,” the dashing, young Jeff leaves Tonya and is bent on world destruction. Using big, scientific words like, “aerodynamic,” “planar,” and “big bomb,” Jeff will succeed in creating world destruction scenes over New York City with very poor special effects. “Here comes the computerized tidal wave! Bad Graphics!”
Last, observe the genre of evil person becoming an evil creature. Here, Jeff mutates into a wombat and eats Tonya. As previously mentioned, the Sci-Fi Channel is not responsible for making the belly-button lint it calls movies; it is at fault for the horrific television shows it broadcasts. These shows range from “Stargate SG1: Return of the Low Ratings” to “Truth or Fiction: Does the Audience Still Care.” A typical storyline is, “will Tonya leave her genetically-mutated wombat Jeff for an erotic alien or will Jeff discover and eat her domesticated, mutant alien ferret? Find out next!”
What I’m saying is that it’s a waste of time to watch the Sci-Fi Channel. You might as well clip your toenails. If any of you dashing young actors or actresses ever become professionals, don’t take roles in movies or shows that will one day end up on the Sci-Fi Channel. For if you do, I will be forced to write a scathing, yet funny, article on the remnants of your once fine and now tarnished career. Please don’t do it! Or else big snakes that suck your blood while you sleep will come after you and then, only Jeff, the genetically-mutated alien ferret, can save you.
