I should preface that I don’t have an Instagram nor do I own an iPhone or Android or anything “smart.”

People have even expressed shock to me when they realize because they expect me to be on top of all social media. Instead, I own a Verizon flip phone that is held together with duct tape and a little bit of spit. I may or may not have dropped it one too many times. Whoops.

I used to own a touch screen phone, but that gravy train ended the second I dropped it down the toilet. I don’t have the best luck with my phones, but I still crave a smartphone every day (only a few more months until I get my upgrade!)

Let’s be real: the second I get my hands on one of those glorious touchscreen phones, I know something will go awry. Maybe I’ll drop it and the screen will crack. Perhaps I will take a scandalous picture and accidentally send it to the wrong person. Who knows?! (Well, I’m kidding about that last one. Or not.)

Now that I’ve established I don’t own a smartphone, I happily watch my friends abuse them in the meantime. I promise myself I will not be as annoying with the various applications.

Last summer, I watched my friend cook something in the kitchen. I forget exactly what food. It could have been chickpeas or bagel bites or whatever. She’ll eat just about anything in sight.

Anyway, I saw her Instagram each step of cooking said food and I could not believe that she thought anyone cared enough to see her step-by-step process. Of course, she ends up getting more likes on those photos than I would get on my latest Facebook default. But I’m not bitter or anything.

I have other friends who like to “snap chat.” Whatever that is. I assume snap chatting was designed for those who are too lazy to text or call on the actual phone. In reality, snap chatting seems like just another way to do dirty things with your significant other (or someone else’s significant other). All in all, it seems like a big waste of time.

Matt Busekroos is a graduate student studying interactive media. His life is too boring for an actual smartphone. He will eventually spend all his free time snap chatting his friends once he owns one. Get ready.