Beach goers beware

Matt Busekroos

Sitting on the beach is one of my favorite pastimes during the humid and sticky summer months. It doesn’t get better than hearing the waves crash at my feet while reading the latest S&M novel to hit the mainstream (you know the one).

There is nothing like my body frying under the sun and leaving the beach with a killer tan. Literally. After this summer, I’m probably a few freckles short of melanoma.

Aside from the perks that come from sitting on the beach, I recognized some annoying habits from fellow beach goers that need to end immediately. This is a forewarning to those going on Labor Day weekend. Please, take the hint.

First, you are visiting the beach for a few hours; you’re not moving there. Thanks in advance for putting up a giant tent. You really know how to save room for everyone else. I’m sure Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle Keith, cousins Susie and Chip and everyone else in your extended family who travel together absolutely need that badminton net.

And I’m positive the giant blow-up device anchored in the ocean is going to be used at all. In fact, I am willing to bet Dad will take the time to blow it up and no one will use it.

When you go to the beach, you learn to adapt to your surroundings. I learn to swim past the jellyfish and manage to not step on any crabs. Unfortunately, some fellow beachgoers are not nearly as swift as I am. Let’s face it: seagulls are friends to no one. They eat your food and then proceed to let it out all over you without a care in the world. Next time you feed the seagulls, please remember that karma isn’t just a funny word. You will be the seagull’s next victim.

Next, please don’t ask me to watch your children for you. There is a reason I don’t have any of my own. Watching my 6-year-old nephew is taxing enough. If you need a babysitter, please let me refer you to Ann M. Martin, who devised a club several years ago for your babysitting needs. You can count on Kristy, Claudia or Mary Ann, and they will be sure to count on you.

Whether you turn to the right and see the rock hard pecs of the lifeguard that could poke an eye out or the bros to your left drinking themselves to oblivion, the beach is full of several inescapable dangers. It’s probably best to heed the beach’s warning to not climb on the rocks. There is a reason for those warnings and signs.

Lastly, stepping foot in the water for the first time during a day at the beach can be a chilling experience, to say the least. You can imagine my frustration when children think it’s hilarious to splash their elders.

It’s not so funny when I splash back, apparently. Double standard.

Matt Busekroos is a graduate student studying interactive media. He has never splashed people in the ocean or climbed on rocks or fed seagulls at the beach.