Hey, guy-with-an-eyebrow-ring-that-spent-30-minutes-straightening-your-hair-this-morning-to-the-perfect-emo-bangs-while-you-tore-holes-in-your-girly-jeans-so-you’d-look-cooler, I don’t want you to get offended by this – but you look like a total idiot.

Can someone please explain this “emo” look to me? Am I that out of touch with the rest of the world that I missed the period in life where a man wearing skintight pants was considered acceptable? How about flannel in the summertime? Sweatbands around your head while going to history class?

I’m no fashion expert – I opt for the T-shirt and jeans or a classic polo shirt when needed – but this fashion craze has gone too far. I’ve had enough of having to walk behind you while your boxers and butt crack are hanging out of the back of your pants. Those pants weren’t made for you. You’re not a girl and you don’t wear size zero.

Please take off that scarf you have around your neck. It is spring time and you look like you just came in from clubbing baby seals in Siberia. While we’re at it, there’s no need for that winter hat in the summer time either.

Can someone get a pair of scissors and a razor? I’d like to shave off your absurd hairstyle. Complete with pink or purple highlights, your constant head flips to get the hair out of your eyes looks like you’re having constant muscle spasms and your neck is about to break. Those bangs that slant across your face look like your barber was either drunk, blind or playing a cruel joke on you. My money is on a combination of all three.

I understand it’s a “lifestyle” choice and all that jazz, but you really just look like a loser. You can come at me with any sort of explanation like “the world just doesn’t understand me” or “my parents hate me and this is how I express myself” and all I have to say to that is: Shut up.

Dressing like a moron with shirts that wouldn’t fit the teddy bears they sell in the bookstore and the aforementioned girl jeans, all coupled with a pair of beat up sneakers or Doc Martens, just makes you look more like a jerk.

Knock-knock. Welcome to the real world. Here, we dress like normal people who do normal things and lead normal lives. I’m not saying you have to be ordinary or you have to fit in to live your life, but do you really expect anyone to look at you and think: Well that is a self-respecting, moral and upstanding human being! I’d love to hire that person!

I would just love to be a fly on the wall one day when someone fitting this description went in for an interview with hair matching the colors of the rainbow and more makeup than a cheap stripper in Texas. I wonder how long it would take the interviewer to either fall out of their chair in shock or crack up laughing.

We all get it. You are mysterious. You live on the edge and you’re so alternative it hurts sometimes. You listen to bands that no one else does. But for the rest of the world’s sake, just stop. You’re making my head hurt.

And just get some clothes that fit you.