Let’s imagine I’m driving along in my car one fine Connecticut day and I hit a patch of ice on Whitney Ave. I’m suddenly skidding out of control, grabbing at the wheel and pumping the brakes trying not to severely injure myself or damage my car. I’m sliding past other cars on the road, hoping and wishing that I won’t smash into any of them.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see a minivan stopped at a red light, completely oblivious to the situation I’m in. I realize I’m heading right towards that vehicle, and there’s no stopping me.

Then I see that there is a “Baby on Board” sign suctioned cupped to the back window of that Mom-taxi. Am I supposed to magically stop the car? Press the “Emergency Baby on Board” button? My car isn’t out of control or anything, so seeing that sign really helps me out in this situation.

*CRASH*

Now what? I’ve just smashed into this car carrying a small child. Is this sign designed to make me feel guiltier that I just smashed into your car with the baby inside? Hopefully the parent has taken more precautions than just a yellow sign on the back windshield and put the kid in a car seat or something to that effect.

Also, what’s the difference between that kid and any other child or person for that matter? Everyone counts the same. It’s not like you get more points for smashing into a baby compared to a senior citizen.

Police Report: Vazzano crashed into old man’s car, +5.

Police Report: Vazzano crashed into car carrying two small children, +30!

When I was younger, my mom was driving around with little me in the backseat. She had one of those ridiculous little Garfield stuffed animals with the suction paws stuck to the back window of our Honda Civic. Apparently, one day someone smashed through the window of the car to steal this silly little animal. With a “Baby on Board” sign, someone might break your window, but not for the sign, for your child. It’s like a bulls eye for child molesters!

These little items seem pretty worthless when you think about it. You might as well get one of those tiger tails that sticks out of your gas tank. One of these is just as useful as your “Baby on Board” signs.

I propose a giant cutout of a stork, much like one you would stick on your front lawn after you have the child, which will be placed on the roof of your car. It will both alert surrounding drivers that you A) have a very small human being inside the vehicle, B) are very proud of this little child, so much so you have to brand it on your transportation device, and C) like to spend money on frivolous items.

This sign does nothing for me, for you or for your baby. Great purchase, new parent!