SATIRE: New survey reveals the true motive behind men’s interest in women’s sports
March 1, 2022
This article is for comedic purposes only. Actual names and likenesses used in this article are used in a parodic context, and are not a reflection of any actual person.
After being placed in the top 10 in the nation for six consecutive months, the Quinnipiac women’s ice hockey team finally got some support.
In its final home game of the regular season on Feb. 19, an impressive 15 students went absolutely crazy in section 110 of the People’s United Center.
“The atmosphere was unlike any other game I’ve been to,” said Jordan Witherspoon Jr., a junior philosophy major. “I didn’t know girls played hockey until today. I didn’t think girls knew how.”
Kelly Babstock, former women’s ice hockey player, arguably the greatest in program history was in attendance. In her years at Quinnipiac, Babstock saw little to no change in the way women are treated in hockey.
“When I was here, the school didn’t even acknowledge that we existed,” Babstock said. “I’m glad to see at least a little progress being made for the women in hockey. As we say, hockey is for everyone.”
But unfortunately, many male Quinnipiac students don’t feel that way. A recent survey from Brotein Shake Digest showed that a whopping 92% of Quinnipiac students think that men’s hockey is better and more fun to watch.
“Women are simply weaker than men,” Biff Davidson, senior finance major and president of the Quinnipiac NFT club said. “They are not as good as men, and that’s science.”
But when asked why he was in attendance, Davidson said he wasn’t there for any other reason but to get a date.
“The only reason I ever come to these games is to get girls’ numbers and chat on Kik,” Davidson said. “Do you think I want to be here? I just want to hook up.”
Students across campus should be cautious when interacting with Davidson, whose username on all social media platforms is “BigBiff69,” the name he said he’s had since seventh grade.
Davidson’s roommate Ian Moore, a senior business major, had a different experience at the big game.
“Those were women? They were so awesome,” Moore said. “I am so sorry that I never went to a game before this. From now on, I will be at every game and treat every woman with respect.”
And just like that, Moore was a new man. It’s like magic.
Learn from Biff and Ian and grab a ticket for game one of the ECAC women’s ice hockey semifinals on March 4, as the Bobcats take on No. 3 Colgate.
“These women are so good at what they do,” Moore said. “I’m definitely going to the next one.”
Perhaps more Quinnipiac students will actually come out and support their team this time. The team deserves it.
