Illustration by Michael Clement
Sex. It can be a very uncomfortable topic to talk about, especially if you are critiquing or giving suggestions to your partner. But, believe it or not, these conversations can take your relationship and sex life, to the next level.
Creating a clear line of communication serves as a route to deepen bonds and rekindle sparks between you and your partner. Not to mention, taking the time to sit down to talk about intimacy will ultimately improve the sexual needs that your desired relationship is wanting to fulfill in the bedroom.
Researchers in a scientific study published within the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, examine this theory and validate that clear communication is key to developing high levels of satisfaction during sex. And while consent must be indicated prior to any acts of intimacy, communicating verbally or nonverbally to your partner is the way to go if you’re seeking to amp up the pleasure you’re already experiencing.
“Much of the extant research focuses on verbal communication within a relationship as a predictor of sexual satisfaction, yet some people feel more comfortable communicating nonverbally, perhaps especially during sex,” the researchers said in the study. “Regardless of the communication style (verbal or nonverbal), satisfaction with one’s communication style with a partner also seems to be linked to sexual satisfaction.”
While the study offers many different suggestions on ways to introduce a more communicative lifestyle for the sake of your bedroom life, it also emphasizes how those exact communication styles will vary depending on the individuals and the current situation occurring in their relationship.
“Our findings suggest that use of verbal or nonverbal communication, specifically, is less significant to one’s sexual satisfaction when individuals are satisfied with their sexual communication,” the researcher said in the study. “In other words, trying to ascribe to a particular communication style may be less important than simply being satisfied within a relationship with a particular communication style.”
Even though one form of communication isn’t superior to the other, the research also reveals that creating open discussions helps eliminate societal roles to make room for future desires and possibilities.
“… If people, and women in particular, were to verbally express their sexual desires during sex, they would be deviating from their role as the ‘passive gatekeeper’ in the traditional sexual script,” the researchers said. “As passive gatekeepers, though, women’s sexual needs may not be realized or their satisfaction considered as important by their male partners.”
Now, you may be asking yourself: “How do I get myself to even do this?”
Your feelings are valid. A lot of other people are in the same exact situation you are finding yourself in right now.
It comes as no surprise that incorporating these discussions might bring awkwardness, hesitation or even worries that it will affect the relationship you and your partner are currently in. Maybe, just maybe, that might be the reason as to why you are currently reading this article.
But if there is a will, there is a way and this is the way you will be able to seek the dream sex life you’ve been wishing for. Here are a few tips to create a positive chat about sex with your partner.
Understand your surroundings
Pick a time and place — this is crucial in successfully completing this mission. Make sure to pick a private place where you and your partner are relaxed and at ease, preferably not right after having sex or in the bedroom together. This will help all involved parties to feel comfortable and for that moment to essentially not be ruined.
This point relates back to the previous mentioned section and ties hand in hand with talking about sex with your partner. Ease into the conversation as much as you can. Although you may feel comfortable enough bringing it up out of nowhere — and if that’s the case, that might be your best option. But for others, try to wait for a moment when sex is brought up in conversation so that way no one is caught off guard.
Be specific as can be
Don’t be vague by just telling your partner to try something new or be kinkier. The more specific you are in what you are looking to add to your intimate practices, the better your sex life is going to be. I can promise you that your partner can’t read your mind, so provide details about what you are looking to do.
Avoid blaming or using “you” statements
The last thing you want your partner to feel is attacked or targeted, even if you have no intention in doing so. Instead of addressing your partner using the word “you,” try using “I” phrases, such as “I am interested in doing this.” This will save some headaches for you and your partner and steer clear of any future arguments.
Understand your relationship
Your partner is your partner for a reason. Have trust and comfort in your relationship and try not to stress about how they will react. At the end of the day, your partner’s intentions are most likely geared toward making you happy and would respect your willingness to be open with them.
Granted, we do now live in more of a sex-positive society compared to years ago, but there is still a gray cloud above sexuality and the discussions around it. Trying these tips will allow you to break past those boundaries in your relationship and improve it in the ways you deem best.
So, if you’re looking to heat things up between you and your partner, you can put down the risque lingerie and handcuffs, and instead, pick up the conversational skills needed to relieve some tension occurring in your relationship.